Ah celebrities — they’re just like us! Nothing like a toilet paper shortage to make everyone realise we’re all the same.
I don’t want to be involved in society anymore. This week doomsday preppers descended on supermarkets like locusts, sucking the stores dry of toilet paper as well as any and all general paper products. Even the Handee Ultra Paper towels are gone.
PSA: don’t use Handee Ultra Paper Towels as toilet paper. Not because flushing them will cause fatbergs. The way the world is going, it’s my personal opinion we’re all going to have to seek refuge on a giant fatberg and create a new civilisation.
No, the warning to not use Handee Ultra Paper Towels as toilet paper is because it will probably lead to severe grazing and create a whole new medical emergency and then we’ll have an ointment shortage. Also, avoid eucalyptus-scented tissues. Obvious reasons.
Everyone has been affected.
“I’m starting to panic, this is all I have left,” Jackie O wrote on Instagram alongside a photo of her remaining two and a half rolls. “Toilet paper sold out everywhere. The irony is, when I panic I need to poo.”
Of course, Sophie Monk added a touch of class to what has become an ugly situation. She took a glamour shot of herself posing in a bathtub full of rolls she had diligently bought in bulk months ago and encouraged fans to DM her if they needed to be air-dropped supplies from her personal inventory. Never before has such preparedness looked so good. Sophie Monk is the face of The Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020.
Buying toilet paper is humiliating enough, now we’ve got to risk being knifed by a Kmart mum and then tasered by police and then photographed at the checkout – the footage of us with Quilton tucked under an arm then beamed into nightly news bulletins.
It’s harrowing. I would literally rather anything else happen to me if it meant I was never filmed buying toilet paper.
The stockpiling craze was really kicked into overdrive once the Facebook mums got involved – posting pictures of their organised panic rooms filled with neatly stacked cans of non-perishable food, medical supplies and toiletries. It’s not surprising — the craze brings together everything Facebook mums love: A challenge, buying crap they don’t need, organisation, starting fights in a store, and then bragging about their efforts online. This is their Grand Final.
How will this year be documented in the history books? Years from now, children will be giggling in classrooms around the country as they learn of The Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020. We’ll be old and decrepit and shaking our fists at the youth who don’t know how good they’ve got it.
“In my day we had to use old Myer receipts as toilet paper!” we’ll croak at them as they hoverboard by.
Delta Goodrem, Olivia Newton John and Daryl Braithwaite should band together with a bunch of other singers to release a We Are The World-style charity single to buoy spirits in these dark times.
A reader messaged this week with a brilliant idea that we beat these toilet paper hoarders at their own game and start panic-buying something else – a product unexpected but necessary to everyday life. Like Ben & Jerry’s Tonight Dough ice-cream or rosé. We’ll hit those toilet paper stockpilers right in the gut and they won’t see it coming.
Bec Judd is another celeb affected by the shortage and documented her mad scramble around the Brighton Coles in Melbourne as she snagged the final pack.
“Imagine having no toilet paper, far out,” she exclaimed.
Well, Bec Judd, I can imagine it. A friend dropped by my house this week and used my final two squares. To quote Jerry’s girlfriend in that Seinfeld episode, I don’t have a square to spare. But that didn’t stop this dame. The ruthless broad swiped the squares — damn the consequences. Friendship? Not in these times. That alliance has now been terminated. It’s every man for himself.
Stay safe out there.
GET IN THE HOLE
Believe it or not, Married At First Sight is not known for its scientific success. I know, I know. The experts wear lab coats and everything!
So we weren’t shocked this week when one of the contestants confidently informed us about a little known aspect of Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution.
“Have you ever heard of Charles Darwin, Steve?” Mishel asked her husband during a fight. “He did the theory of evolution. So, years ago, he had this theory of digging this big hole in the middle of Australia and putting all those dumb people in it. You’ll be one of the first in there, you know? For dumb people.”
Um. Look, I’m not a scientist or historian, but I think – I think – that’s not quite correct. Still, I reckon she’s onto something. Why isn’t there a big hole we can just chuck all the dumb people into?
I’m officially opening nominations for who we want to dump in the hole. Toilet paper stockpilers can get in the hole immediately. And people who wear jeans to the gym. P-platers who have better cars than me – in the hole!
People who walk through public spaces without looking up from their phones. Chatty baristas. And any other strangers who insist on making small talk. All of you – in the hole! Now!
Uber drivers who ask you for directions instead of just looking at the GPS – drive ya Camry straight into the hole.
Also, shop owners who close their stores earlier than the advertised opening hours. And while we’re talking about retail outlets, teenage shop assistants who call you “darl” even though they’re, like, a million years younger than you. Get in the hole, hon.
People who think attending Barry’s Bootcamp – and any other involvement in cult fitness groups – is a personality trait. Lunge into that hole!
Who do you want to dump in the hole? Submit your nominations.
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