Remember in primary school when the most embarrassing thing you could be called was frigid? Well, Ivan and Aleks are labelled just that when they go toe-to-toe with the experts at Sunday’s commitment ceremony before laying down a threat the bosses can’t argue with.
The couple’s defiant retaliation throws off the power balance in the room and then the rest of the monkeys try to take over the circus – with one wife bursting into tears after everyone points and laughs at her. It’s a real rollercoaster tonight.
James Weir is LIVE with Australia’s most unlikely MAFS influencer Eric Grothe Jr and Samantha X recapping tonight’s commitment ceremony where one couple is sex-shamed by the experts.
Posted by news.com.au on Sunday, 8 March 2020
The elderly couple are still grumpy with each other and Steve gets all Jan Brady about it.
“Mishel, Mishel, Mishel,” he whinges about his wife.
Mishel is still reeling after Steve dubbed her sexually unattractive, so she decides to seek advice from a responsible and mature third party: her teenage daughter.
“I now know what to do,” she tells us and we hope the teen’s advice was for Mishel to post a vengeful TikTok. That’ll show him.
She’s so stressed and irritated she even forgets to paint one of her toe nails.
As we try to explain to Mishel how TikTok works and what the internet is, we breeze through the boring couples at the commitment ceremony but tune back in for Ivan and Aleks.
As we all know, Dr Trisha gets a cash bonus for every couple she makes have sex on this show, and she isn’t about to let Ivan and Aleks squirm away without squirming on top of each other first.
She demands to know if they’ve had sex, but the couple doesn’t budge.
“We’re not here for sexual therapy,” Ivan asserts.
“You’re not speaking about intimacy? You’re just suddenly deciding that you’re not going to?” Trisha inquires.
Yeah guys, rude! You signed away your right to privacy the second you entered this show. Now, stop being frigid and tell us what positions you’ve tried.
“I don’t know if it’s anyone’s business,” Ivan snips.
“It is our business, though, because you’re in the experiment, Ivan,” Trisha rebuts and … this reasoning is entering cult-like territory.
Mel Schilling jumps in and asks Ivan why he’s being hostile when all they’re trying to do is bully him into talking about his sex life in front of Australia.
“I’m not trying to be hostile, Mel,” he calmly replies before giving the experts a firm smackdown. “I’m of the opinion that my sex life is no one’s business but mine. I don’t know why you keep harping on it.”
Well, Mel does not like being accused of “harping on” so you better believe she starts harping on about that.
“This is actually not harping,” she harps. “This is having an open and mature discussion about something that’s pretty important in relationships.”
That’s when Aleks steps in and delivers a slam dunk threat the experts can’t argue with.
“I think the pressure is getting to me a little bit,” she begins before issuing a stern warning. “I feel like I can’t be myself and I think it’s getting to the point now where I will be happy to leave and pursue Ivan outside of the experiment if I’m getting pushed about the subject that I feel really uncomfortable talking about.”
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The experts are gobsmacked. Shocked! Blime-fibe-eb, if you will. They’re absolutely speechless – as if someone just asked them to talk about, say, their sex lives in front of Australia.
“I could’ve f**king cut sick,” Ivan whispers to his wife as they walk back to the couch.
But the prude-shaming isn’t over. Lizzie is still high on life and feeling slightly cocky about her celebrity return to the show, and decides to call out Ivan and Aleks for disrespecting the experiment by not discussing what sex positions they’ve engaged in. Lizzie loves nothing more than MAFS-splaining the experiment to all the non-VIPs.
Aleks tells Lizzie to shove a handbag biscuit in her food hole and mind her own business. Well, she doesn’t say those words exactly. After all, Aleks is a conservative dame who’s too frigid to even discuss what sex positions she has tried. She wouldn’t dream of referring to someone’s food hole.
Anyway, Connie and Jonethen are up next – he wants to leave but she chooses to stay and we’re all trapped with them for another week even though Jonnie’s feelings for Connie are as non-existent as his socks.
KC and Drew whirl up to the couch and she dredges up her jealousy for his housemate and his stuffed toy yet again and then everyone starts pointing and laughing at her.
Well, not everyone. Really it’s just Michael and Stacey pointing and laughing. Jeez, the day Michael and Stacey reckon you’re the joke, you know something is really wrong.
School principal Mr Aiken singles them and demands they explain to the class why they’re giggling before head mistress Ms Schilling steps in to rouse on them in front of the whole assembly.
“Guys, have a bit of respect — we’ve got a new couple on the couch here … to have you guys snickering is a little bit disrespectful,” she … harps.
Suddenly, KC bursts into tears.
“I sat there so quiet and listened to everyone else!” she wails. We hand her Drew’s stuffed toy to cuddle, but that just makes her cry more.
Finally, Steve and Mishel are wheeled out and we’re forced to sit through them whinging about the same old stuff we’ve been hearing since Tuesday.
“Betrayal!” Mishel wheezes repeatedly.
Steve’s out of here. And so is Mishel. At least, she was going to leave – until she spoke to her daughter who told her to stay, thus trapping Steve in the process.
“That was hugely draining,” John Aiken sighs.
Indeed. Unnecessarily so. This all could’ve been communicated in a vengeful TikTok.
For more observations on vengeful TikToks and being frigid, follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram: @hellojamesweir