Mishel is humiliated after Steve revealed he’s not sexually attracted to her in the slightest. Perhaps even more humiliated than those idiots feel after they were filmed stockpiling toilet paper and causing riots in supermarkets across the country. Well, they probably don’t feel embarrassed but they really should. Why so much toilet paper? These people should probably go to their doctor and seek a referral to a specialist.
What would you rather: Be told you’re sexually unattractive on national television? Or be filmed panic-buying mountains of toilet paper?
Without a doubt, I’d literally rather anything else happen to me if it meant I was never filmed buying toilet paper.
By the way, have you noticed it’s mostly dads who are filmed at the checkout with trolley-loads of toilet paper? That’s definitely a dad’s mission to execute.
Mishel is humiliated after Steve told her he’s not even vaguely sexually attracted to her. The thing that embarrasses her most? That Australia knows about it. And so she does what any level-headed person would do: she picks several fights about it so Australia gets to witness her being sexually rejected again and again and again.
“I’m just saying I’m not attracted to you physically … yet — that’s all!” Steve pleads with her as she paces around the living room in a flared-sleeved mini dress.
“How would you feel if I said you’re not sexually attractive at all to me,” Mishel spits back.
“It … wouldn’t feel nice?” Steve ponders.
“So who are you telling? Are you telling all of Australia? You’re telling all of Australia but you’re not telling your wife?” she fumes.
“ … Yeah?” he replies, because there’s really no right answer that will stop this fight.
Mishel believes Steve has been telling us all in his piece-to-camera interviews that he isn’t sexually attracted to her. And really, I don’t really remember him doing that? Maybe he did. I don’t wanna make Mishel any more irritated but we really aren’t invested in her and Steve’s storyline.
“You’re a f**king idiot,” she fires back. “You know what, I am seriously so done with you, you are top-level piece of shit! Don’t even come near me tonight, seriously, you will lose you’re other f**king ball!”
ICYMI: Steve had cancer and we assume only has one ball because of it. Look, if we were Mishel, we would’ve left the results of cancer out of it but, we get it, she’s hurting. It must be hard finding out you’re sexually unattractive. We wouldn’t know *tosses hair back*.
Oh, we almost forgot. The argument ends when Mishel storms into the bedroom and tries to slam the door — but it’s one of those annoying sliding doors and, when she slams it, it just rolls back and then she tries again but jams it shut on one of her flared sleeves. It’s really not Mishel’s week.
And she’s not done. On their way to the dinner party, Mishel jumps in the Suzuki Vitara and keeps making “ugh” noises to herself while looking out the window, hoping to get Steve’s attention. He doesn’t bite, so she just launches into a passive aggressive monologue.
“Have you ever heard of Charles Darwin, Steve?” she begins and, oh my gosh, we’re so intrigued to see where this lands. “He did the theory of evolution. So, years ago, he had this theory of digging this big hole in the middle of Australia and putting all those dumb people in it. You’ll be one of the first in there, you know? For dumb people.”
Mhhhmmm mhhhmmm. Mishel, sweetie, I know you’re upset but I think — I THINK — you’ve literally just invented science and rewritten Mr Darwin’s history.
Who knows, I might be wrong, so, in a bid to fact check Mishel’s claims, I took the liberty of reaching out to Professor Frank Nicholas, author of the definitive text book Charles Darwin in Australia.
“That didn’t happen,” he confirmed.
We’re not mocking Mishel’s claims. In fact, why isn’t there a hole for us to put dumb people in? We’d finally have a solution for how to handle those idiots who keep stealing all the toilet paper.
Anyway, Mishel and Steve are so old they arrive to the party and hour early and then have to sit their in bitter silence on opposite couches while the experts watch them. Mishel is on edge so she probably shouldn’t drink. She ignores our advice and double fists prosecco.
What happens next is a blur. Michael says his eyebrows are “on flick” and … just don’t get us started. That new girl KC enters and Stacey feels threatened.
“They’re cute … I wouldn’t say hot,” she snips and cue cat noise.
When Lizzie enters, everyone jumps to their feet as they recall the one major incident that catapulted her to MAFS glory.
“It’s the girl who was crying with the pizza box!” they squeal. I wish I was known for such greatness.
Over the dinner table, Mishel decides to let more people know she was sexually rejected and how annoyed she is that everyone knows her husband thinks she’s sexually unattractive even though she insists on telling everyone she encounters.
“He’s been saying to other people he’s not attracted to me for the past six weeks. Wouldn’t it have been good for him to tell me? I look like an idiot. I actually look like a f**king idiot. This is like six-week long f**king Tinder date,” she gasps.
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Mishel’s drunk and everyone’s on Steve’s side and her arguments are about as airtight as her science theories.
“Like, seriously! No, seriously! Seriously, like! But, just, seriously!” she scrambles.
The final slap to the face for Mishel? Ivan counsels her about being sexually unattractive.
“He doesn’t find you unattractive as a person,” he offers as a consolation prize.
“I don’t think you’re listening! Youse can hear what I’m saying but you’re not listening!” she wheezes.
“The thing is, Steve has been saying for the past six weeks he is not attracted to me. That’s what he’s saying to the camera, to Australia, to everyone but his wife! The only person who should’ve known is me. Not alllll of Australia!”
Honestly, Mishel. We’re really only aware of it because you haven’t stopped rasping on about it. Until now, we’ve been actively avoiding including you in all recaps but, now you’ve caused such a fuss, producers have dedicated an entire episode to your sexual rejection and we’ve been left with no other choice but to focus on it.
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Posted by news.com.au on Tuesday, 3 March 2020
Jonethen throws Mishel and Steve a lifeline and suggests maybe Steve only realised he wasn’t sexually attracted to his wife yesterday on the beach when he brought it up.
“I’m gonna be honest, it didn’t come to me just at the beach. It came to me more or less when we got married,” Steve admits before running away while Josh chases him growling “oi” over and over.
He was just gifted a get out of jail free card and he threw it aside. Oh Steve, you really are dumb. That’s it, we’re pushing you into Charles Darwin’s hole.
For more observations on flared sleeves and fake science, follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram: @hellojamesweir