Australia, please welcome back Lizzie. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Lizzie, she appeared on last year’s series and was paired with Sam – a guy who faked a funeral and ditched Lizzie before returning to cheat on her with Ines.
That’s the boring background information. The reason why we love her, though, is she introduced us to handbag biscuits and junk food platers. You’re probably wondering what those things are, but don’t overthink it. Handbag biscuits are literally just biscuits you keep in your handbag. They come in handy when you have a fight with your cheating ex and storm out into the street without your keys or wallet but you’ve got too much pride to go back. With handbag biscuits, you don’t need your wallet because you’ve got treats to keep you satisfied for at least 40 minutes.
And junk food platters are just a better version of grazing platters – you get a really big plate and plonk down some muffins from the Coles bakery, a family block of Cadbury Dairy Milk and a jar of peanut butter that you just eat with your fingers. None of that figs and nuts and cheese rubbish. OK, fine – you have permission to add a touch of class to your junk food platter with some Bega Stringers.
“Lizzie didn’t have a great time last time she was in the experiment,” Dr Trisha says, so they’re bringing her back to make her life hell for a second time.
They don’t care about finding Lizzie a marriage. They’re just frantically trying to re-cast the show after half these bozos quit over the past two weeks. The experts assemble to match Lizzie with a new guy and pull in two other randoms to marry. Most importantly, the macarons still remain untouched.
Lizzie is lumped with some guy named Sebastian who’s a PT and very, very tall.
“I’m extremely tall, nearly six foot six,” he tells us as footage plays of him walking through the street – ducking tree branches and dodging aeroplanes flying through the sky.
He keeps describing himself as “eccentric” and it’s as annoying as girls who describe themselves as “quirky”. But look, an eccentric person will no doubt appreciate the practicality of handbag biscuits.
Lizzie has really changed over the past year. When we first met her, she had acrylic nails that resembled swords and winged eyeliner that cartoon characters were jealous of.
Last year, Lizzie almost scratched the bridal makeup artist when it was suggested she sport a nude lip. I’m pretty sure she then demanded two different colours of lipstick be applied over the top of one another, just to retaliate.
But now, she’s all about a nude lip and we’re all very concerned. Especially her best friend.
“I’m worried. I don’t wanna see you like last time – sitting at home shoving pizza in the toaster,” the friend sighs. Oh yes! We almost forgot about the pizza toast. If you don’t know what that is, again, don’t overthink it. It is what it is.
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Anyway, Lizzie is convinced her new husband will recognise her instantly from last year’s series but he doesn’t. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Let’s just blame the nude lips.
“I didn’t feel like he knew who I was … and … it’s like … a good thing, I guess?” she frets.
So, just to make everyone feel awkward, Lizzie decides to use her wedding vows to sledge her old cheating husband.
“This time last year I married a complete stranger like I am today but that groom robbed me of my opportunity to give it a go,” she begins.
It’s made even more uncomfortable because Sebastian doesn’t recognise her and has no idea what the hell she’s talking about.
“I experienced a husband who didn’t stand by his word. I’m terrified to be doing this all over again,” she adds.
But suddenly, it hits him and he realises this is the girl with the handbag biscuits. He’s shocked. How do we know this? Because he says, “I’m shocked”.
“Halfway through the vows it sunk in that this is Liz from last year,” he tells us. “I watched her, I loved her! I was really attracted to her!”
Should we make a note about the other randoms who get matched tonight? They’re named Drew and KC. Yes. KC. I know, I know.
“I’ve lived my life. I’ve lived my 20s and, now I’m 31, it is that age where I just need to find that partner,” she says because everyone knows if you reach 32 and you don’t have a relationship, you’ll probably die alone in your apartment after choking on a handbag biscuit (I would like my own story to end this way).
Precisely 20 minutes later, she gets jealous of her new husband’s female housemate and then starts wondering why he’s a single loser at the age of 31, even though she’s also a single loser at the age of 31.
“Why do you think you’re 31 and single? I’m waiting to see what’s wrong with you,” she frets and I don’t have any more time for KC. Her appearance in this recap is a brief and lacklustre as her Los Angeles dance career.
We hightail it back to Lizzie’s reception, hoping to snag a Coles muffin but we’re shocked to find there’s not a single junk food platter in sight. Guys, I’m really concerned Lizzie has lost touch with the girl she used to be.
We look across the room and see her no-nonsense mum Gillian grilling Sebastian.
“Are you a blokey bloke? Intelligent? A nerd? A larrikin?” she asks.
He doesn’t know what to say and she goes in harder.
“ARE YOU A NERD?” she demands to know. None of us know what the right answer is.
Gillian is pleased to deliver her findings to Lizzie.
“I told him not to cheat. And then I said I would kill him,” she nods. “And I asked him, ‘Do you consider yourself more a yobbo or a nerd’.”
Nice work, Gil, but we still don’t have confirmation if he’s a big nerd. Well, until he starts talking about sex. Then it becomes clear.
“There’s definitely sexual attraction!” he giggles to us. “I had to pull the reins on myself!”
And then, he neighs like a horse. Wait. Can you guys hear that? Yep. That’s a definite nerd alert.
Lizzie and Sebastian retire to the hotel room. Do we reckon they indulge in any fun times? Yes. And by “indulge in fun times”, we mean Lizzie introduce him to the wonders of handbag biscuits and pizza toast.
For more observations on Coles muffins and being a nerd, follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram: @hellojamesweir