Seriously, the pettiness is of grand proportions and we’re all kinda jealous we didn’t get to dish it out ourselves. There’s nothing quite like the rush of adrenaline that pumps through your veins when being severely petty in front of a lot of people.
The experts become so fed up with this bunch of clowns they decide to pull the pin on the couple.
“There are certain standards we have too adhere to,” a straight-faced John Aiken says without even the faintest hint of facetiousness.
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“This is the biggest blindside you will ever see,” the TV promo for tonight’s episode screamed and, sorry, but it’s pronounced “blime-fibe” and only Tracey Jewel can be the judge of whether it’s the biggest. Jeez, show some respect for this show’s esteemed alumni.
We begin Sunday night with rough and ready footage shot at a confronting angle of Hayley on the elliptical machine in the hotel gym. Obviously this is symbolism. Hayley is running away from her past as well as her future plus all the messes she has made. She’s probably also running to find more cigarettes.
Shakespeare also used elliptical machines as a tool for symbolism. An early draft of Romeo And Juliet featured a whole scene where Juliet was just going for gold on an elliptical up in that castle turret she was locked in before she let down her long hair for Romeo to climb up.
Honestly, producers know we’re only here to see the aftermath of the cheating-slash-toilet-toothbrush scandal and we barely even catch a glimpse of the other couples at the commitment ceremony.
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Well, we did stop for a second to bully Steve into having sex after he rejected Mishel’s no-strings attached offer.
“I just put it to Steve, why don’t we just have sex? Just have sex!” Mishel tells the experts. “No kissing, just sex. I just put it out there.”
Everyone giggles and Steve is humiliated.
“It didn’t sit right with me. Being propositioned for sex just didn’t sit well with me,” he sulks. “I’m 52 years old, I’m not 22 years old. I don’t wanna have sex with Mishel just because of having sex. If I have sex with Mishel, I’m gonna make love to her — I’m not gonna have sex with her.”
Everyone else continues to point and laugh while the experts tell Steve to stop being a big girl and to just have sex.
Oh, we should probably mention Mikey and Natasha decide to leave. It barely even warrants a full sentence.
“You’ve done it with such graciousness,” Dr Trisha tells them of their decision to leave, identifying exactly why we’re not giving them any more time.
We finally call up Michael and Stacey to the couch and they rehash all the details we’ve already heard. And by that, I mean all the details that Michael has conveniently forgotten.
“There was lap dancing on each other. Just stupid, childish flirtatious behaviour. I’ve said look I do not recall any of that happening,” he insists about the claims he made out with Hayley. “I don’t think this happened. I don’t think I kissed Hayley.”
“We kissed! We kissed. on several occasions!” Hayley interrupts. “What have I got to loose by lying to you, Stacey, and saying I kissed him for no reason. I am telling you as clear as day that I hooked up with your husband.”
Michael’s memory loss kicks back in.
“I did not kiss Hayley!” he declares. “Was I completely intoxicated that night did I black out certain bits? Yes.”
“Stacey, ya fooled, mate!” Hayley screams.
Stacey has had enough and holds up her decision card — the word “leave” written in no nonsense block letters. She’s finally free. Or is she? Nah. Michael backs out on his promise to write “leave” and he traps her by choosing to stay in the experiment. Stacey, ya trapped! Ya fooled and ya trapped.
“If you hurt me, you’re getting crucified,” she glares at her husband.
Finally, after keeping us all waiting for 90 minutes, the producers roll in tonight’s main attraction: David and Hayley.
Are we done talking about the cheating? Probably. Hayley’s admitted to it and she’s got nothing more to say about it. She’s got a far more highbrow topic to bring to the table: the toilet toothbrush.
“If I could unwind time I would. But, I’m sorry, to rub my toothbrush in the toilet and put it back in the toothbrush holder? I am fuming. Absolutely fuming,” she roars. “I think you’re abhorrent! I think you’re a lowie! I think you’re a crème de la crumb!”
And just like that, we have a new favourite insult to replace king ding-a-ling with.
John Aiken steps in to make the keen observation that perhaps David and Hayley’s relationship might — just maybe — be a little toxic. And yes. On a scale of one to toilet toothbrush, it’s off the charts with it’s toxicity. David holds up his decision card and begs to leave.
We look to Hayley, knowing she’ll also choose to leave and then we can all go home. But this is where she blime-fibes everyone.
“You know what, I can dance a good dance and I can be as immature as everyone else on this planet. And I said I’m gonna stay because I’m enjoying this too much, babe,” she cackles.
The group goes berserk.
“This is a sick joke! Youse hate each other! She’s being spiteful!” Stacey blubbers across the warehouse.
And, classic Hayley, she doesn’t deny this.
“Of course I am! It’s the same thing he did with the toothbrush, blondie! Calm the f**k down!” she yells at Stacey.
“Blondie? Oh, well done! You got my hair colour,” Stacey groans, mock-applauding Hayley’s name-calling. “You’re embarrassing everyone here! No one likes you!”
Everyone’s being a giant baby and it’s terrific.
“The reason I have wrote stay is if he wants to do something like that to me he can sit there for another week now and think about his actions,” Hayley informs the experts.
This is where John Aiken steps in and says something that we think is a joke but he’s actually being totally serious.
“There are certain standards we’ve got to adhere to,” he says and … sure. He’s right. This show is all about upholding standards.
Even though Hayley formally decided to stay, thus trapping David for another week, the experts break their own rules and kick them out.
Again, Hayley is nothing but honest with us.
“I did wanna leave, I was just doing it out of pure spite,” she explains and, yeah, we know.
“I just wanted to sit in my hotel room and I wanted you to suck eggs for a while.”
Oh Hayley. We’ll miss you. But, if we may, we’d like to leave with these final wise words: There’s no “love” in “revenge” but there is “us” in “crème de la crumbs”.
For more observations on elliptical machines and the classic Shakespearean play about those seven dwarfs, follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
We’re recapping tonight’s explosive MAFS commitment ceremony where a bride is kicked off after a petty act of revenge. Watch James Weir live with Jana Hocking and Dan Ilic on Not Here To Make Friends.
Posted by news.com.au on Sunday, 1 March 2020