“I will block you! I will block your f**king number and never speak to you again!” Stacey spits at her hungover husband who ditched her to hang out with better people.
“I want a separate hut!” she demands as producers run around the Fijian island trying to locate a new villa.
Honestly, I’ve yelled both of these exact same things in arguments – usually arguments with colleagues but also with partners.
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It’s all about the honeymoons on Tuesday night’s episode, which is a polite way of saying nothing interesting happens. It’s tedious. Like when someone insists on showing you a YouTube clip and then stands there watching you watch it.
Stacey is still recovering from her gastro nightmare and Michael has managed to get some time away from the fast-paced and high-octane world of the ice cube biz.
We swing open the doors of their Fijian villa to air out the rankness and notice Stacey has a foul look on her face. I mean, her face always looks like this, but she’s also got her arms crossed so we take that as a sign she’s positively irritated.
“Last night, I sorta went out after dinner. And … she thought it was … inappropriate,” Michael informs us.
“Mhhhmm, mmhhmm,” we nod, while eating Stacey’s continental breakfast.
“I sorta met a few other couples … And got a bit wasted,” Michael continues to mumble while holding down barf. “And I was a little bit of a dick to Stacey. I was arrogant. Basically, a bit of an asshole. So unfortunately it ended with Stacey walking back to the room by herself. Instead of apologising this morning, I f**ked up again and went for a run with one of the guys I met. I came back and tried to apologise and she was like, ‘Get away from me!’. I told her I won’t make the same mistake twice. I told her I won’t be on my phone ignoring her anymore.”
Righto. So, in summary, Michael ditched his wife to get drunk with people who are more fun. On one hand, we get it. Michael works hard and running his ice cube empire is exhausting – the strains and stresses of the booming ice cube industry just aren’t talked about enough in this country. He needed to blow off steam! But on the other hand, I’m usually the uptight bore who gets ditched in my own relationships, so I feel Stacey’s humiliation.
“You were on your phone ignoring me this morning when I was trying to explain you what you did last night because you couldn’t remember!” Stacey snaps at her husband.
Yeah. Because guys love nothing more than when you give them a step-by-step analysis of exactly what they did to annoy you. Again, Stacey is me.
“My idea of fun is getting a bit loose, having a good time, loosening up. Stacey doesn’t loosen up, Stacey is a plank,” Michael slurs to us.
Well, that plank won’t shut up and continues to crap on about being ditched.
“You’re a joke! You embarrassed me!” she seethes.
“Do you think I wanted to go for a run? I had a few drinks last night, I didn’t wanna go for a run! I nearly threw up all over Fiji!” he yells before the argument descends into petty back and forth.
“We’re gonna need separate huts!” Stacey screams as a Fijian cleaning lady sweeps up moulted hair and the Berocca tablets Michael spilt on the floor in the early hours. “Get the f**k away from me! That’s how I feel right now!”
She then issues the ultimate threat: “I will block you! I will block your f**king number and never speak to you again!”
Don’t pretend you’ve never screamed that at a partner while at least one of you was drunk.
Again, we can only imagine how proud Fiji Tourism is to have sponsored this honeymoon. I know where I won’t be taking my next holiday.
We become bored with this fight so jet over to Broome to see if Connie’s still being Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed. She is. But the real takeaway is how heinous their brown plush bedspread is.
This year’s token mature-aged couple Mishel and Steve are over in New Zealand for their honeymoon and it’s as interesting as looking at your mum and dad’s holiday pics. The most important thing? Steve keeps lying about how much his pants cost.
They go tobogganing and he screams, “I’ve ripped my pants they’re $300 pants!” but later he bitches about it to Mishel and cries, “These are $400 pants!”
Wow. A cheater, we can handle. But a guy who lies about how much his Lowes cargo pants cost? You can let yaself out.
Anyway, Mishel throws a tantrum because she sucks at skiing and then Steve gets annoyed at her and it’s like listening to your parents have an argument about something boring when you’re just trying to watch TV in peace. If we were there, we would’ve turned the volume up to prove a point.
“I’m a bit pissed off really. Whinge, whinge, whinge. Pisses me off. Starts to grate you all day,” Steve moans to his wife. “A lot of my friends call me a whingeing pom. All I’ve heard today is a whingeing Aussie.”
It spirals into a fight but it’s not as interesting as Stacey and Michael’s because no one got publicly ditched and no one’s holding back vomit.
“It f**king sucks that my knee is f**ked! I’m pissed!” she yells at him in the ski lodge while sipping mulled wine.
“Don’t swear at me!” he yells back.
“I wasn’t swearing at you. The fact that you don’t know that shows the level of … um… what you … actually understand …” she trails off, clearly not knowing where her rebuttal was going when she started talking.
These bozos don’t know how to argue.
“Threaten to block his number!” we yell at her as we sashay out of the lodge to make our way back to Fiji.
When we finally arrive back on the island, we kick in the door of Stacey’s new mud hut and knock her handbag off the table so we can put ours on it.
There’s a shriek and we whip around to see Stacey and the Ice Cube King in bed together. We stand at the end of their bed pointing and screaming at them. They had sex. Dirty, post-fight, hangover sex.
The voiceover then goes and confirms it: “Stacey and Michael are the first couple in this year’s experiment to consummate their relationship.”
They ask us how we know about their gross romp and we politely inform them we made a cameraman stand outside their window to secretly film them.
Naw. The first time in a new relationship is always special. We’re so happy they’ve got footage of it.
For more observations on mud huts and blocking people, follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram: @hellojamesweir