“We’re down to our final four singles to join the experiment,” the experts say on Monday night while still avoiding the plate of display macarons.
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Finally, this will be the last night we have to endure stupid weddings and boring introductions. Tonight includes the token elderly couple that’s thrown in every year. Guys, meet Mishel. She’s 48, looks like Beyonce’s mum and sleeps with a CPAP machine so she doesn’t stop breathing in her sleep. She then demonstrates how it works.
In classic Tina Knowles behaviour, Mishel reveals she relies on her children and insists on tagging along with them whenever they go to da club.
Every guy she has ever been with has cheated on her and she’s so frightened about it happening again she decides to appear on this esteemed program, which is built on cheating and broken hearts.
“I’m ’pausing, I’m ’pausing. I’m hot flashing everywhere,” she informs us while faffing around her hotel room on the morning of her wedding. “Maybe I’m a little bit menopausal.”
We helpfully suggest strapping the CPAP oxygen mask to her face while she walks down the aisle. Some brides have a flower girl — Mishel can just have a random kid follow her around while carrying her CPAP ventilator.
While we wait for Mishel to stop hyperventilating, we go meet Stacey and Michael.
“I like the finer things in life,” Stacey informs us while close-up footage plays of her hands getting massaged.
“I’m a recent graduate lawyer and I’m a single mum,” the 25-year-old tells us and, FINE — I’ll say what we’re all thinking: How on earth can she afford that black Range Rover she’s barrelling around town in?
Michael’s a Very Important Businessman with an unidentifiable accent who owns a company that makes ice cubes.
“I’ve dated a few girls one might stereotype as the ditzy blonde with the fake nails, the propped up lips and the Louis hangin’ off the side,” he growls.
The experts type this sentence into their Match-Making Computer, the 3D printer starts grumbling and, moments later, his perfect wife is delivered!
Can we just take a second to soak up Michael’s personal home cinema? He’s definitely watched porn on that big screen.
On the morning of their wedding, we kick in the door of Stacey’s hotel and she’s in a STATE. Apparently she has been up all night with gastro and she won’t shut up about it. The only thing worse than gastro is having people tell you about their gastro. Why do some people just love sharing their gastro experience? We don’t want to know. Anyway, we throw a tube of Hydralyte tablets at Stacey and rub liquid hand sanitiser over our entire body.
The gastro has put Stacey in a disgusting mood and she serves up some foul behaviour at the altar.
“At least it’s … a nice day,” she snips when she lays eyes on her groom.
Lady, you’ve got gastro, you’ll take what you’re given.
“We haven’t got to the weather already have we HAHAHAHAHAHAH,” Michael screeches.
“Why are you laughing?” she shoots back.
The mere sight and sound of Michael appals Stacey. And his vows don’t help.
“A man at a bus stop once told me life is like a box of chocolates,” he begins and Stacey rolls her eyes on behalf of Australia.
“Three experts have reached into a box of Favourites and picked out my life partner,” he continues.
His little analogy lacks any logic. Firstly, the people on this show are a box of Celebrations at best. But more importantly, the experts would never have a box of chocolates — THEY DON’T EVEN TOUCH THE MACARONS THEY ALREADY HAVE.
The vows get worse and Michael rolls forward with about 13 chocolate bar puns and laughs hysterically at himself.
Stacey’s so repulsed she doesn’t even let her new husband touch her during the wedding photos.
Buuuut then we tell Stacey we’ll make her eat the contaminated leftovers from last night’s dinner, and you better believe she plays ball. The photos are still horrible and she death stares us the whole time.
Michael tries to get his new wife to loosen up. He asks about her kids but she just frosts him out and remains silent.
“I’ve got a son, too,” he offers.
“Hmmm. That’s nice,” she snips while looking the other way.
“Do you work?” he asks.
“I just got admitted to the bar,” she declares. “I’m a lawyer,” she adds because, on this show, it’s important to clarify between what kind of bar you’ve been admitted to and rejected from.
Back over at Mishel’s wedding, she’s married to some British guy named Steve and they’re both into each other.
“I always go with my gut. And my gut says this will be something good,” she gushes. But, it turns out that funny feeling in her gut is probably just gastro. We hear it’s going around.
Anyway, her kids start probing their new dad and tell him their mum has been cheated on in the past. And he goes and tells them he has also cheated on someone in the past — like it’s some kind of fun fact or conversation starter.
Of course, this throws Mishel into a fit and, as she starts hyperventilating again, we start running around the reception trying to find that random kid holding the CPAP machine.
“I need to go have a cigarette! I want to go have a cigarette with someone,” she declares and we can’t wait for the dinner parties so she can run off to smoke and bitch with “four in four days” Hayley.
Look, we strap that CPAP ventilator to Mishel’s face, she calms down, Steve says something British and then everything’s fine.
Let’s go check on Gastro Girl and the Ice Cube King.
At the reception, everyone starts clinking their glasses to get them to kiss. Michael lunges in while singing the Baby Shark song and Stacey literally shrieks and recoils.
“I’ve been askin’ her questions and she’s not askin’ any back. It’s rude,” he sulks to us as Stacey continues to ignore him.
But then Stacey’s mood takes a turn. Why? Perhaps she has done some soul searching and realised everyone is vulnerable and deserves love and we should show kindness and acceptance to those we meet in the hope the universe returns it to us. But no. That’s not why she changed her tune. Her best mate got on Google and found out about Michael’s million-dollar ice cube empire.
Stacey is impressed by her husband’s … kindness (ice cube empire). So much so, she starts walking around the room bragging to everyone about his heart (ice cube kingdom).
“You know the ice you get from the BP? He owns it!” she beams.
And just like that, she went from Gastro Girl to Ice Cube Queen.
For more observations on Tina Knowles and not being able to afford a Range Rover, follow me on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram: @hellojamesweir