James Weir is joined by Sam Dastyari and Kerri Sackville to discuss the ups, downs, sideways, pimples, pashing and…
Posted by news.com.au on Wednesday, 5 February 2020
Hmm. We never would’ve expected a problem here. It’s almost like this match was orchestrated for drama.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Married At First Sight episode 2
It has been about three days and the experts still haven’t touched their display macarons. Honestly, an assorted jumbo-tray of Arnott’s would’ve been a better choice.
We meet Hayley, who is already my favourite and she just endears herself to Australia as the hours pass. She’s a former drug addict turned body builder who has completely turned her life around. Want proof? She now wears capelets. Honestly, more people should wear capelets.
Who the hell wears a capelet? People who are too busy for sleeves, that’s who.
Hayley gives us the rundown on her past and it’s inspiring. She was kicked out of home at 17 for abusing drugs and she battled the addiction for about seven years. How’d she turn the tide? An Instagram fit-fluencer showed her the light. One night, this fit-fluencer slid into Hayley’s DMs like the hand of god. “Move to Queensland and train with me,” the fit-fluencer called to her. And so she did.
Ugh, does anyone else have chills? Fit-fluencers are the wisest people around — they’re always posting motivational slogans on Instagram that are guaranteed to draw you out of your darkest hours. This fit-fluencer should have her own TV show.
Hayley’s all about self love now. As she tries on her wedding dress, she strides up to the floor-length mirror and looks deep into her own eyes.
“I am in awe of myself,” she beams. We should all begin the day with this daily affirmation and I bet that fit-fluencer agrees.
Anyway, Hayley’s paired with David who was a combat sportsman. Now, we have no idea what a combat sportsman is, but we see lots of footage of him in a gym. He had to give up his combat career because of a serious injury and he now lives on a farm.
Perfect match, right? Not quite. David’s parents are super religious. When he tells them what he’s doing, they’re PISSED. Only, they wouldn’t say that word. They’d probably say MIFFED and then feel really guilty about it.
“Your dad and I have Christian values and you’ve been baptised,” they remind him.
“I’m concerned about her values. And if she chooses to be a stay at home mum, that’s the most important thing for us,” his mum states.
But David won’t budge. He’s certain the experts have paired him with the perfect woman.
“Maybe’s she’s classy and demure,” he dreams while waiting at the altar.
“I could shit myself going down the aisle,” Hayley growls as the 4WD limo pulls up.
When she finally meets David, she notices his hand tattoos perfectly compliment her own sleeve tattoo.
“They said, ‘What if he doesn’t like tattoos?’ I said, ‘He’s f**ked if he doesn’t!” she roars.
What do David’s parents think?
It’s a rollercoaster of emotions here. David’s ecstatic. His parents, not so much. And Hayley’s oblivious to everything.
“All his family are happy for me!” she beams.
We then run over to David’s family to fact check this.
“This is not his usual type for a long-term relationship. I think David’s definitely got his work cut out for him,” his dad grumbles.
Wow. We sense some tension and we can’t wait until alcohol gets involved at the reception. We gleefully skip away and steal Hayley’s 4WD limo to make a quick trip across town to meet the other couple getting married.
The bride is Vanessa who has a skin condition — she experiences severe acne and it has totally shot her self-esteem. She’s super lovely but her anxiety means she just always assumes guys don’t like her. That Instagram fit-fluencer really needs to slide into Vanessa’s DMs to teach her about self love.
Anyway, she’s matched with Chris. He’s a youth worker, so you’d think he’d be attuned to people’s vulnerabilities and emotions but he’s actually just a bit dense. And producers go above and beyond with crafty editing to play mind games on Chris and Vanessa.
She’s convinced he’s not into her and she reads into everything. Her anxiety spirals out of control and she starts self-sabotaging by hypothesising about things that haven’t even happened. And he’s so preoccupied and tense about finding the right moment to reveal he has kids that he just comes off as a bit of a jerk.
Vanessa just wants to be loved for who she is. But when Chris reveals he has kids, she’s blime-fibe-eb ala Tracey Jewel. They roll into the limo and sit in terrified silence the whole ride to the hotel.
The hero in all of this is Vanessa’s maid of honour Toobi. Toobi is fierce. I also have a feeling Toobi is secretly that inspiring fit-fluencer who saved Hayley.
We’re so exhausted by Chris and Vanessa and their emotional turmoil that we drive the 4WD limo back to Hayley and David’s reception because we came here to party.
As we enter the suburban rec centre, Hayley is beatboxing while krumping on a table. Everything is going according to our plan. We look over at David’s parents and you better believe they’re still flippin’ miffed. It’s probably around the time Hayley finishes rapping and pashes David before yelling, “Dad, get ya f**kin’ kiss on!” that the parents are pushed to the brink.
“The country bumpkin and the noisy city girl!” she giggles to her new in-laws as she stumbles up to them.
“I WOULD NOT call him a COUNTRY BUMPKIN,” his dad snips.
“No no, that’s what he called himself,” Hayley retaliates.
For some reason, it’s when Hayley reveals she lives in Port Melbourne that her in-laws really arc up.
“The other side of the world that we never go to,” his dad declares.
“Don’t turn your nose up!” Hayley snaps back.
And with that, the in-laws have absolutely had it. The mum starts to cry.
“I don’t know if she’s the right style of woman for David. I think David probably needs a girl with a personality a little more like mine,” dad rumbles to us. Mhhhmmm. Mhhhhm. Wow. That girl would be sexy.
“Take your time and get to know her before you starting … going in too deep,” David’s dad instructs him. Ugh, what a gross way to say “have sex”.
His parents are miffed about a lot of things. But most of all, they’re miffed about the idea that David would even be entertaining the idea of “going in deep” before marriage.
How do we break it to them softly? I know: That plate of statement macarons is the only thing not getting touched on this show.
For more observations on capelets and fit-fluencers, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir