Just wow. A “lesbian red flag”? Don’t ask me what the difference is between a lesbian red flag and just a regular heterosexual red flag. I assume the former is made out of flannel.
Before we venture into this mess, we must provide a conclusion to last night’s massive pimple storyline. Be honest, that’s why you’re all really reading this.
PODCAST:Married At First Sight 2020 Season – Episode 1
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Married At First Sight episode 1
We kick in the door of whatever roadside motel Poppy and Luke have spent the night in and start flicking the lights on and off. Even in the shadows, we can see Poppy’s around-the-mouth pimple is bloody raging on. Legally, it requires a zoning permit.
“I feel like my face is infected,” she mumbles.
“It looks like it’s infected, too,” we assure her.
“It looks pretty intense,” Luke adds.
“You’ve probably caught it,” we inform him while walking out of this germ factory.
Tonight the experts are super excited to match the first same sex couple since marriage equality was recognised in Australia, even though marriage equality was approved, like, a million years ago. Also, these weddings aren’t even legal so it’s not like the law was stopping them before. And they also had a gay couple a few seasons ago. But, as we know, these experts are not bothered by pesky things like facts. Not content with torturing heterosexuals, they’re just thrilled at the idea of extending their services to the gays and so promptly allow a couple of lesbians into the experiment.
It’s great news! But, honestly, I also feel like my hands are tied. If I make any jokes about the lesbian couple, people will get up in arms and scream, “That’s homophobic!” Everyone’s so sensitive these days.
But, in my defence, I go very hard on the straight bogans who enter this show, and stoop low with cliches and stereotypes. And I’m an equal opportunist when it comes to making fun of people.
So with that in mind, allow me to introduce you to Amanda who is a PT, of course. Her heart is as big as her biceps and she talks about relationships in sporting analogies. “We’re a team!” she growls, imagining her future marriage while doing chin-ups. Hand on heart, that’s not even me stooping low with the stereotypes – that is exactly what we saw and I have never reported anything more truthfully in my life.
But really, Amanda is a total sweetheart with amazing confidence and I would trust her with my life. She’s matched with a tattooed bartender name Tash.
We meet Tash but, more importantly, we meet her loofah.
The experts also pair Natasha and Mikey. Natasha, 28, prefers to be referred to as a “Power Woman”. We see her striding through the street taking Very Important Business Calls while also juggling an oversized handbag and umbrella and navigating the wet pavement of the big city in heels because she is a POWER WOMAN.
She calls her dad “daddy” and, in the past, has only dated guys her dad’s age.
“But they just see me as a glamour girl and they just want me on their arm as a trophy. I mistake men wanting me physically for men wanting the whole of me,” she modestly reveals.
When it comes to Mikey, we immediately cringe — mainly because we don’t really like any grown man who adds a “y” to the end of their name. But he’s a very sweet boy and runs his family’s nursing home. We see him marching around the nursing home in a suit and sunnies like he’s a nightclub owner and my only real takeaway is that the living facility comes with a cinema, day spa and hair salon and WHEN CAN I MOVE IN?
Something that’s not talked about enough in modern society is the power of a judgy hairdresser. Judgy hairdressers are sassy and have the ability to make or break anyone. Get on their bad side and they’ll either gossip about you to everyone in the salon or, worse: give you weird layers that take months to grow out.
Lincoln is Natasha’s judgy hairdresser and he’s here to ensure quality control when it comes to the man his client is marrying. He takes one look at Mikey and snips him off like a dead end.
“Nope. She’s not gonna like him. She’ll eat him alive,” he snaps.
But Natasha needs a change from all those old grandpas she has been dating and we’re certain Mikey is more than capable of handling this Power Woman.
“I struggle to show physical connection,” he hyperventilates to us right before posing with his new wife for the wedding photos. Honestly, he’s just being silly. He’s really comfortable with the opposite sex and not awkward at all with physical connection!
“It was so awkward,” Natasha groans. She then has to instruct Mikey to close his eyes when they pash. Wow. An open-eye kiss. Not terrifying at all.
Over at Amanda and Tash’s wedding, it’s a match made in heaven and, when they meet at the alter, the chemistry is electric. At the reception, Amanda strides around the room like a very friendly labrador and meets Tash’s family. Everyone loves her. Except these two dames who hatch a plan to sabotage her.
We don’t bother learning their names but they’re Tash’s bridesmaids. A producer asks if they like Amanda.
“No,” they snip in unison.
There’s only one reasonable thing for them to do: Pull Amanda outside to interrogate her and accuse her of trying to Dirty John their best friend.
“In your vows you said you’ve made big mistakes. Like, did you go to jail for fraud?” they grill her.
Not quite. Amanda reveals her “mistake” was that she had started talking to her ex again just before she got accepted onto this show but insists she has now ended that old relationship for good. Big deal? Nah. But for these know-it-all bridesmaids, that’s plenty for them to spin into drama and they run off back into the reception.
“Tash will be hearing everything I have to say about Amanda,” the blonde bridesmaid declares. “(That’s a) Lesbian red flag, straight up.”
Really, that is not a lesbian red flag. A lesbian red flag would be if Amanda lied about volunteering at the local dog rescue shelter or if she admitted she can’t stand essential oils.
For more observations on loofahs and Business Women’s Specials, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir