Tolerate the Christmas period with this diva trick from Elton


He’s whirling around the country on his Farewell Yellow Brick Road tour and, when he touched down in Sydney this week, he was bloody over it.

Photos show Elton – dressed in a metallic purple tracksuit – hurling his $4000 Gucci handbag out the door of the private jet to his personal assistant.

It’s so relatable. Well, the private jet isn’t relatable. Or the entourage of assistants. And the metallic purple tracksuit is pretty niche. But the desire to throw a handbag at someone is the thing that shows he’s just like us.

It’s a sign of the times. Who doesn’t feel like throwing a handbag right now? We’re all exhausted and exasperated. We just couldn’t be bothered anymore.

Catch, bitch.Source:Media Mode

Cameras only captured Elton pelting the purse once, but last week while performing in Perth he launched a foul-mouthed tirade at some security guards and I’m sure if there was a handbag nearby he would’ve swung it into the crowd with mighty precision. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why he didn’t have at least one handbag with him on stage – he was wearing a sparkly tuxedo jacket and pink diamanté glasses. It’s not like another accessory would’ve been excessive.

Anyway, my point is, Elton knows what’s what and it’s that time of year where we’re all fed up and ready to start throwing our handbags. Gosh, there’s only a few weeks left but it feels more uphill than ever.

What I’d give to pull out a clutch purse and pistol-whip everyone I work with. Family members also better duck if they don’t want to cop a bag to the head.

If you’re braving a Westfield today you might want to first stop off at Strandbags, just so you can acquire enough totes to throw at all the annoying people who get in your way.

What is it about a shopping centre that causes some people to completely lose the ability to walk properly? People walking too slowly, people who don’t stand to the left on the escalator, people who barge out of shops without paying attention to oncoming foot traffic. They all deserve to have a handbag thrown at them.

Untamed kids also better watch out for airborne luxury leather goods. Same goes for those people who walk through a busy carpark and get in their vehicle only to pull out their phone, making other desperate drivers wait endlessly for the space. If you do this, update your insurance to include windscreen protection because a handbag will be clobbered against your window.

Then there are the real criminals – the people who text-and-walk. Or worse, FaceTime-and-walk. It’s one of the most selfish acts of modern society – expecting the whole world to move around you and army-roll out of your way because you refuse to look up from your phone.

This is worse than texting-while-driving and, because the Government refuses to let me table my own legislation, I’m just going to have to take matters into my own hands and swing my duffel bag into the offenders as I speed-walk by them in my metallic purple tracksuit.

Me, in my metallic purple tracksuit, on the escalator at Westfield.

Me, in my metallic purple tracksuit, on the escalator at Westfield.Source:Media Mode

THE SUBTLE ART OF BEING CRYPTIC

I love a cryptic message. The whole point is for it to be mysterious and obscure, with a meaning that’s ambiguous and difficult to decipher. But thanks to social media, cryptic messages are now blatant statements referring to very specific incidents.

The latest cryptic message to drift through our feeds comes from Phoebe Burgess, who’s estranged husband Sam is rumoured to have had a fling with some random American waitress he met at a bar. The waitress reckons they went back to his Coogee penthouse but then he “ghosted” her because she went and told everyone. And the only person more cryptic than a ghost is a scorned ex.

After all the reports of Sam’s fling, Phoebe took to Instagram to show off some tartlets she was cooking up in her kitchen. Her caption? “Only tarts in my house, ricotta!”

Within seconds, we all picked up on the double meaning and suddenly it wasn’t so cryptic. Maybe we’re just reading too much into things. It’s highly plausible Phoebe just really loves making tarts and discussing which varieties pass through her abode.

I’m not savvy enough to pull off a cryptic message. If my ex posts on Facebook, I try to comment with something puzzling and veiled but I just end up writing: “DICKHEAD”.

Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Nothing’s more cryptic than a ricotta tartlet.

Nothing’s more cryptic than a ricotta tartlet.Source:Supplied





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